Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
