The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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