Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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