I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
