I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
