Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
