you guys were way drunker than both of me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
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Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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