i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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