i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
