I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
