She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
