Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Let's get the cat blown out
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
