im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
