chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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