So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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