i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
