dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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