I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
