I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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