He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
