theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
