wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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