Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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