Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
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In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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