"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
