The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
