i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
