I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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