The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
