He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
