Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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