you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
