FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
