I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
