I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
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She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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