you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Randomize
