i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
