Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
