so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
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you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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