Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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