Im at strip club and am horny
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
