Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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