Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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