I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
