sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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