Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
