Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
