she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
