Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
