He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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