I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
