I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
