i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
