Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
