Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
