i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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