You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
