Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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