bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
