My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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