you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
