He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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