Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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