Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
